My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
