my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
