Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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