So drunk its hurt
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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