I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
