pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
