When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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