Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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