i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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