Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.