Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish life had little blips of pornography
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
