He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.