but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
