I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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