i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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