My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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