Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
