How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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