Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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