I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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