i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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