You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
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If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
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That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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