Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
