so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
