I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
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the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
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Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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