3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
