I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
