i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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