My sheets look like a crime scene.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
