A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
