we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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