what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
FUCK WHALES
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
