Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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