How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
