So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
