i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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