Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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