I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
