Texts From Last Night

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  (631): View more from New York

  If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.

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  (631): If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me. http://tfl.nu/ugtt
  Replies (8) Good night (1004) Bad night (1479)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes

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  (412): i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes http://tfl.nu/hjgx
  Replies (55) Good night (817) Bad night (5828)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.

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  (973): Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick. http://tfl.nu/r63g
  Replies (7) Good night (1006) Bad night (3828)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close

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  (917): I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close http://tfl.nu/ibae
  Replies (5) Good night (3511) Bad night (936)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.

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  (715): I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs. http://tfl.nu/tciw
  Replies (3) Good night (2084) Bad night (819)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.

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  (202): Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out. http://tfl.nu/88jd
  Replies (10) Good night (2042) Bad night (617)
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  (619): View more from California

  No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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  (619): No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch. http://tfl.nu/4axa
  Replies (6) Good night (3335) Bad night (743)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.

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  (303): Get a piano. I want to have sex on it. http://tfl.nu/t29o
  Replies (19) Good night (2294) Bad night (716)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.

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  (501): The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game. http://tfl.nu/4bmh
  Replies (2) Good night (1172) Bad night (779)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.

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  (770): I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed. http://tfl.nu/l5l2
  Replies (1) Good night (1148) Bad night (806)
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding

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  (267): only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding http://tfl.nu/47vz
  Replies (3) Good night (939) Bad night (428)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Of course I have a pirate flag

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  (630): Of course I have a pirate flag http://tfl.nu/t3eo
  Replies (4) Good night (829) Bad night (339)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"

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  (630): The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card" http://tfl.nu/vfda
  Replies (2) Good night (1379) Bad night (403)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.

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  (801): We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that. http://tfl.nu/wvs3
  Replies (1) Good night (392) Bad night (156)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.

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  (810): if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long. http://tfl.nu/qna0
  Replies (1) Good night (548) Bad night (169)

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