If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
