I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
