I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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