Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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