Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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