My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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