So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
