There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
