We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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