But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
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Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
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ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize