Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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