i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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