my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
