I haven't been this sober since birth.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
