Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
