Can i not drive my cunt home
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
