the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
