I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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