I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
