Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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